In this new column, our very own Ariadne Cass-Maran – aka Aunty Ari – uses her great knowledge of all things wordular to impart advice to the world’s literati.
Dear Aunty Ari,
I run a spoken word night in Edinburgh and I’m in love with a member of a rival group. Their writing is so bad it makes me pee a little. But this isn’t the problem… the problem is what love has done to my writing. Every time I sit down to sculpt some sweet splendiferous scape of verbs, nouns and adjectives, I write things like ‘sweet splendiferous scape’. I don’t want to tell the guy how I spend day after day dreaming about his knees and face (lest my husband find out) but I’m so tired of writing like a wet flower. What do you think? Should I tell him? How can I free myself from the treacherous tyranny of lust and metaphors?
Sad and over-metaphorising, Edinburgh
Dear over-metaphorising of Edinburgh,
Well, over-metaphorising can be one of the most rewarding pursuits on the planet, and affairs are way more fun than writing, so I see your dilemma.
Indeed, you seem to be having a double affair, not only cheating on your husband but also on your spoken word group. What will they say when they find out?
There are only two courses I can see, and which one you take very much depends on whether you were any good at writing to begin with. Yes, you write like a ‘wet flower’ (a metaphor for your own dripping lusts? I hope so), but what would happen if you renounced your daydreams and returned to your original powers? Perhaps not very much; perhaps you were never very splendiferous to begin with, in which case I say go to the dark side, satiate your lust, and deliver second rate prose at events that are not your own. It’s not as though the world will be losing yet another great female intellect if you trip off to be a groupie.
To write words of gripping genius again, however, I would find a way to make this person repulsive to you and fantasize about someone else instead, someone unattainable. Peter Dinklage does it for me.
Yours in good faith,
Got some literary love problems of your own? Worried about writing woes? Don’t hesitate to send your problems to Aunty Ari at email@example.com.